Finding An Elephant - Funny Joke

Mrs. Smith, the first grade teacher was quizzing her pupils on natural history. "Now, Johnny, tell me where is the elephant found."

Johnny struggled for the answer. Finally with a look of pride he blurted out: "The elephant is so big that he's never lost."

The Smart Horse - Funny Animal Joke

A cowboy fell off his horse and broke his leg while strolling out on the prairies. The steed grabbed his master's belt in his teeth, carried him to the shelter and then went to fetch the doctor.

Talking it over a few weeks later, a friend of the cowboy's praised the horse's intelligence. "Quite a horse you've got there, he said. "Smart as a whip."

"Heck, he's not so smart," replied the cowboy. "He came back with the veterinarian."

Room For The President - Funny Joke

A man walked into a hotel. "I'd like a room for tonight," he told the clerk.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we have no vacant rooms," the clerk answered.
"Not even one room?" the man asked.
"No, sir, we're full tonight," said the clerk.

The man thought for a moment. "Please tell me, if the President of our country came in and asked for a room, would you give him one?"

"If the President asked for a room, I would find one for him!" the clerk replied.

"Well, the President is not coming here tonight. So give me the room you would have given him!"

The Oldest Profession - Funny Joke

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were debating which of their professions was the oldest.

"Eve was made from Adam's rib," said the surgeon, "and that, of course, was a surgical procedure."

"Yes," countered the engineer, "but before that, order was created out of all chaos—and that most certainly was an engineering job."

"Aha!" exclaimed the politician triumphantly. "And just who do you think created the chaos?"

Headline Howlers - The Classics

Humorous headlines as they appeared in newspapers:

• Survivor of Siamese Twins joins parents
• Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
• Officers' wives to select new officers
• Jury gets drunk driving case here
• Man is fatally slain
• Night school to hear pest talk
• Prisoners escape from prison farm after execution
• Hotel burns. Two hundred guests escape half glad
• Santa Rosa man denies he commited suicide in South San Francisco
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Senate passes death penalty. Measure provides for electrocution for all persons over 17
• Thugs eat then rob proprietor
• Toilet seats stolen. Police have nothing to go on
• Wild wife league will meet tonight
• Local man has longest horns in all Texas
• Officer convicted of accepting bride
• Staten Island Ferry Hits Pie, 18 Injured

Shock Therapy - Funny Joke

My cousin Pat is a psychiatrist. He firmly believes in shock therapy.

He gives his clients their bills in advance.

Professional Opinion - Funny Joke

Giles, an eminent painter once asked a physician friend of his to look at his painting of a man in death agony.

"Well," Giles inquired, after the doctor had scrutinized it carefully, "what is your opinion?"

"Malaria," said the doctor.

Playing On The Flight - Funny Joke

Three-year-old Tim was having a terrific time on his first plane trip. He pushed every button in sight, ran through the aisles at top speed and finally crashed into the flight attendant as she was serving a tray of coffee.

Barely keeping her balance, she forced a smile and cooed,
"Little boy, why don't you go outside and play?"

Going Bankrupt - Funny Office Joke

When Nina was applying for a new job, she asked the interviewer if the company would pay for her medical insurance.

The interviewer replied that the cost of medical insurance was to be deducted from the employee's paycheck.

"The last place I worked, the company paid for it," she said.

"Did they pay for your life insurance too?"

"Yes, they did" she said. "Not only that, but we got unlimited sick leave, paid vacation for a month, holiday bonus, two hour lunch breaks, fuel allowance and free child care."

"So why did you leave such a perfect place?" the incredulous interviewer asked.

"The company went bankrupt," she replied.

John's Promotion

John came home flushed with pride. "I've been promoted," he announced. "I have a new job! They've made me an expediter."

"What's an expediter?" asked his wife.

"Well, it's hard to explain, but if you did what I'm suppose to do, it would be called nagging."

The Six Phases Of A Project - Humour

They say there are six phases to any project:

• Enthusiasm
• Disillusionment
• Panic
• Search for the guilty
• Punishment of the innocent
• Praise and honors for the nonparticipants

The Bilingual Dog - Funny Joke

A police dog responded to the ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First you must type at least sixty words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types at eighty words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. 

"There is one last requirement," the director continues, "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says,
"Meow!"